Vultures, Vultures Everywhere
The Stuff We End Up With & Who Really Wants Any of It?
When my mother passed away, years ago the family gathered and tried to help my dad out. They had been married for over 50 years and this was a tough time for all of us, but for him especially. Someday I might go into details about my mom but it might be easier just to say “She wasn’t the easiest person” was a phrase repeated at her wake as I talked to people. Then again she was known to say “You’re my son, I have to love you, I don’t have to like you.”
One thing we tried to help out with was all the stuff that she had. She tended to buy stuff at random and many times on a whim (and I know all about whims). I know her closet had a bunch of clothes that still had tags on them. I won’t even go into the Vera Bradley purses… but I digress. We thought we were being helpful, but didn’t understand that my dad just wasn’t ready. Some of us started with something simple- jewelry. The thought was get it organized and maybe cataloged so he wouldn’t have to go through the emotional trauma of doing it. Little did we know that when my grandmother died something similar happened. My step grandfather’s daughters had gone through her jewelry and by the time my Mom got there things were missing. I guess my dad assumed that we were embracing our viking roots and looting the place. He was understandably livid, so we continued to ask about helping with stuff and were, for the most part turned down.
Fast forward about seven years and my father (now 84) has been directed to get his things in order since he’s not getting any younger and now he can’t seem to understand why no one wants any of his stuff. Ummm… we all got yelled at and treated like we were thieves when we innocently tried to help with Mom’s stuff*- I’m not sure anyone wants to be seen as a vulture. He’s had to downsize since my mom passed away and has remarried so there isn’t the volume of stuff that there once was. In December my brothers went out to help clean out stuff he still had in storage. He tried to help, but in the end they pitched a bunch of stuff, and sent a few boxes to people. Later people who got those boxes were asked to sent certain items back… Which got me thinking about my stuff and who would want it. The short answer is - no one, but the real question is why?
Classifying Stuff
Stuff we accumulate through out our lives is interesting. For the most part I believe it falls into a couple of categories: heirlooms, memories, collectibles, and junk.
Heirlooms
Heirlooms are things with a family connection. Something passed down from one member to another. Unfortunately I live in the same state my mother’s family has been in for over 200 years. This means I end up with a lot of the heirlooms- whether I want them or not. I am a sentimental person, so some items mean something to me. My grandfather’s portrait that hung in the library of his house and then the living room of my parents house, now hangs in my dining room. Do I really need all the clippings from my parents wedding? Nope, especially since they were adamant about not attending mine, but I have them. At one point I was sent my mother’s wedding china and silver because… I live in the Midwest and we would use it. Ummm… nope. I actually have gone through the various silver pieces and regifted them in the family. Many still have stickers from when my mother first received them at her wedding showers in the 60’s. Heirloom stuff- family history things, but like anything someone has got to want to be the caretaker of the items, and for some strange reason (proximity to the stuff) I was elected.
Memories
Some heirlooms also are memories… things from your past and are usually things that have some kind of personal connection to a time, a place, or a person. I was fortunate enough to live near my grandmother so when she downsized I was asked if there was anything I would like. I didn’t even think about most items which might have had value but went for the things I remembered as a kid. I think my grandmother thought I was nuts- I picked out a cookie jar, a creamer, and the chimes used for fancy dinner parties. All things I had strong memories about. The cookie jar was always in the kitchen - it’s a monk with the words “Thou Shall Not Steal” underneath it. The creamer is a cow and when I stayed over that’s how I’d pour the milk onto my cereal. The dinner chimes were something I’d always play when I first came into the house, even as an adult. I used them as a way to quiet my classroom for years afterwards. I am still kicking myself for not picking up the “Pretzel Jar” I spaced it and my step-grandfather was big on getting rid of pretty much everything in that house when they moved so I have no idea where it ended up- probably the trash. 😢
I also have items that connect me to my other grandmother who was an artist (What?!? you thought I just fell into drawing?) She was a painter and ceramic artist so I have been fortunate enough to get some things she sculpted. She did an amazing group of sculptures around Beatrix Potter’s Peter Rabbit- which if legend is correct she entered into a competition and was disqualified because the judges felt that they had come from a commercial mold.
For me I have stuff that hold memories for me. Will anyone want or care about my high school yearbook? Nope. My Eagle Scout medal? Nope. My fraternity pin? Nope. Photo album from college? Nope. I actually just went through my high school art portfolio and disposed of everything in it.
Collectibles
Many people end up with collections - stuff they like. It could be… comic books for example. It could also be rocks. The thing with collectibles is that, for the most part they are only as valuable as the market dictates. My collection of Rocketeer artwork from various artists that I have gathered from conventions has a limited audience- those who are fans of the Rocketeer, and those who are fans of the specific artist. Most of the time your collection is never worth what you (or the internet) says it is. When attending New York Comic Con I was reminded of this by my brother who had to tell me his wife and in-laws thought it was a stupid waste of money and couldn’t understand why anyone would go to a comic con, let alone buy anything. Then again, that’s their opinion- they spend their money on more important things that bring them joy- don’t ask me what they are because they seem pretty miserable and complain a lot.
For me I currently collect:
LEGO Sets
Games (TTRPG and Board Games) & dice
Comic books & related books
Art supplies & related books (I like to draw)
Comic book original art
Stupid whimsical stuff including pins, art, and toys
I could easily dispose of any of these at anytime- I don’t have a problem… no really I don’t. I mean it. When we decide to downsize and move I’ll put this statement to the test.
Junk & Hoarding
Ummm… if it isn’t something you are interested in- anything from the above categories could be considered “junk.” Just ask my brother’s in-laws.
Don’t get me started on hoarding- I know this is an actual disorder and people need help. If you were to look at ‘The Pit of Despair” aka the basement, you might put me in that category. The pit is still a work in progress- I’m working on getting comics, LEGO bits and bobs, and stuff from 35 years in a classroom in some kind of order. I’ve watched enough episodes of Hoarders to know that I shouldn’t get too attached to any specific objects. I don’t have a problem… no really I don’t. I mean it.
Rest In Peace
So what happens when you bid farewell to this life? If I had kids- It would be their problem. I don’t have kids and I only worry about what will happen to my cats (Sue can take care of herself- she’s really good at it). As I travel more I do worry about what could happen to my stuff if something horrible were to occur. I do have a note on my phone with instructions on what to do with certain things to help my executor out. I do know one thing- No one in my family really cares about my junk. The family stuff might be important to my older brother, but a lot of it my little brothers have no connection to. My parents didn’t visit their parents much by the time they came along so stuff from a house they only saw once or twice… not that important. Most of my stuff is to be given to people who will appreciate it, or to groups or organizations who can use the items to further their mission.
A friend from college came back to school one year talking about something weird her parents had done - “Vulture Vouchers.” She was the youngest, and at one point the family had gathered and her parents handed out little pieces of paper to each child. They were to go around the house and put them on items that they wanted when the time came. This required her siblings to agree and discuss if two people wanted the same thing. To me it was a brilliant solution. Not that it would work for my family, but it was a great idea.
When my father mentioned that no one had expressed an interest in things he had as he was getting his affairs in order, I mentioned (via email) that I would like something of his that had sentimental value. I basically said I would like to have one thing that would always remind me of him (Category- Heirloom/Memory). To my surprise… he said “sure.” I didn’t bring it up again. When I went out to visit in January he brought it up. A few weeks ago he sent it to me. I was willing to wait, but he wasn’t. I’m sure at some point my brothers will wonder how the heck I got this iconic piece of Bob’s life. I even have the story behind the item. Personally, I don’t need anything else. I will say, I was nervous when first asked… I’m not a vulture, or at least I hope I’m not seen as one. Sadly, there are probably a few people who view me as one.
*Sue did end up with a necklace after the dust settled. She wears it every once in a while. My mother and grandmother had matching “More than yesterday, less than tomorrow” necklaces, I’m not sure of the actual history behind it, all I do know is Sue was given my grandmothers which she had received from my grandfather most likely on a trip to Europe. I really should find out the story and write it down.