Wild Card Time! Forgiveness?
Rolled a 2 - Insights and then an 8- "When's the last time you forgave yourself for something?"
Forgiveness? In this day and age that doesn’t seem to be a popular thing to do. Most people just blame someone else for their actions or the consequences of their actions. I tend to just not forgive myself and live with the guilt of stupid things I’ve done.
I still beat myself up over things like in fifth grade calling another kid a stupid nickname (something politicians seem to do regularly now). I still wish I could go back and say “Sorry. I wasn’t trying to be mean, I was trying to impress some girls who, later on, would tease me for being a geek.” Do I forgive myself for just being a stupid kid? No.
I beat myself up over following my mother’s advice and telling a friend I was jealous about how they were closer to “my school friends” than I was. High school drama 🙄 I feel I lost a very close friend because I was too immature to understand that my “school friends” weren’t really my friends, he was. Do I forgive myself for not thinking about how really stupid it all sounded and how my mother tended to use the “They’re just jealous of you” excuse when people were mean. It’s like that excuse worked when she was growing up, but in reality it doesn’t consider that you may have done something to create the situation. I picture my mother as a “mean girl” when she was in school.
Should I stand up for myself, or cave to peer pressure? How do you forgive yourself for caving to peer pressure when you know what was going on was stupid and would just cause problems in the end? You make a choice, stupid or not and you live with it and learn from it.
Forgive myself? I second guess, everything I do and the results of it. Do I forgive myself? Not really. I just blame myself and move on. I add to the emotional baggage I carry. I try not to, I try to justify my actions, but in most cases I’m empathetic enough to see both sides and realize that my side isn’t always right. However, forgive myself? No- I deserve to carry the baggages I packed, or bury those feelings until I die.
When I was in grad school to be a principal we had a list of beliefs. One of my favorites was- “Everyone makes mistakes, professionals never repeat them.” This has morphed into Förlåt - men glöm aldrig - Forgive - but never forget. I have made this my family motto. However, I see now that it doesn’t include me in the equation. Forgive others- but learn from what they did and never let it happen again. Lie to me? I forgive you, but I’ll never really trust you again. Cut me off because of something stupid instead of talking to me? I forgive you, but I won’t ever be close enough for you to hurt me in that way again. I have learned from my mistakes, and try not to repeat them, maybe that is how I forgive myself.
This is based on the Wild Card podcast by Rachel Martin on NPR. Thanks for the inspiration.